Poker isn’t like other casino games. Players need to have skill to benefit from any lucky breaks they do get, and an in-depth knowledge of poker strategies and odds is a great tool to reduce losses and win more cash.
But what if you could become instantly great at poker overnight, without the need to spend hours practicing? Or what if you could just straight up cheat and use your superpower to win? In this severely hypothetical article, we’ll be taking a look at some of the more famous superpowers, and just how much use they’d be around the green baize. We haven’t included real-life superpowers like being able to smell colors or remember incredibly long numbers and the like, as some poker players do use nerd power every day to win, so technically that’s already covered. Anyway, here we go.
Invisibility
Dr. Griffin, the original invisible man who came to life in the eponymous H. G. Wells book, wasn’t a nice person. Completely violent and sadistic, he’d actually make a great poker player. And his skill probably would come in handy too.
Invisibility wouldn’t be much use if everyone knew you were playing, as there would be plenty of suspicion that you’d be looking at other players’ cards. But if nobody knew you were in the room, you’d potentially be able to get a look at the cards around the table, and signal to a stooge who would be playing on your behalf. The only downside is if you came up against a sensible player who completely covers their hand. Other than that, the only other advantage is that you’d have a really good poker face.
X-Ray vision
An absolute shoo-in for poker is this one. Superman could absolutely win a major poker tournament just by looking at the back of everyone’s cards, as well as those on the top of the shoe. Even if he lost at poker, he could still make some cash by guessing the color of people’s underwear in the bar afterwards.
In fact, this superpower actually got used in casinos across Europe by a bunch of Italian criminals. Although none of them had real X-Ray vision, they were able to put invisible ink on the back of cards and use special contact lenses to see the ink, a scam worthy of letting them keep the money in our book.
Super strength
Totally useless. In a game where you literally pick up a few pieces of card, and at most a handful of plastic chips, super strength becomes meaningless. This rules out the Thing from the Fantastic Four, but Bruce Banner / The Hulk would work. As well as super-intelligence, he could always intimidate people out of the game.
Lightning speed
Quicksilver from the X-Men and Marvel Universes could be the best poker player in the world. As well as being able to have a quick peek at everyone’s hand, he could rifle through the entire deck, seeing what’s coming up next before making a bet.
In fact, he could just swap his cards for good ones every hand, but players would probably get suspicious if he received 20 aces in a row. This superpower is probably the best one to have, but it would need to be used in moderation, otherwise nobody would want to play with you.
Time Travel
Imagine throwing away a decent hand if you weren’t feeling it at the start of the round, only for a decent hand to be revealed on the flop. Well, just rewind a few seconds and keep hold of those cards, before raking in the big wins! Nobody would beat the Three-Eyed Raven from Game of Thrones in a game of poker if he utilised this. Hermione Grainger would prove to be a tough match with her use of instantaneous time travel, but it would be a bit of a pain for Marty McFly if he had to keep on getting in the DeLorean every time he wanted to re-play a hand.
Mind Control
Scarlet Witch, Jean Grey and Loki could all have fun with this one. Imagine being able to convince someone with a great hand to fold, or making them go all in with a whole bunch of nothing? More cruel than advantageous, this one would suit a particular malicious poker player. Like Phil Hellmuth. We all know the poker brat is already using this kind of tactic to bully people out of the game, or at least to try and force them to raise the pot when he knows he’s onto a winner. Other than that, having the ability to make everyone believe your bluffs would certainly come in handy.
Infinite resources
Tony Stark literally doesn’t have a superpower. Yes, he’s intelligent and has plenty of cash, but he’s pretty reliant on a metal suit to get him out of trouble. But you have to admit, he’d be a great poker player.
As well as the wittiness and intelligence, Stark could win the hearts and minds of the opposition before taking them for all they’ve got, even just by bullying them off the table. Even in a high stakes game, he could end up buying back in just by selling a couple of companies or even cars, and a big loss would be a drop in the ocean. Bruce Wayne could also be a candidate for this one, but the constant depression and flashbacks would certainly throw him off his game.
What’s your ideal superpower for the poker table? And which one is the worst (we know it’s super strength. Or flying) Let us know in the comments below, and don’t forget to get your pair of magic contact lenses before your next trip to the casino.
